I’ve had a tricky relationship with confidence, it’s always been something that I’ve had when built up by others. I have a huge need for reassurance from others and recognise this and adjust in most things I do.

I really felt that being a mother would be something I would be good at. I did so much reading and invested so much time in exploring the kind of parent I wanted to be. When my baby died it took a long long time to talk myself out of the narrative that I wasn’t ready, good enough or deserving of being a mother. I do know that now but there are times those feelings feel a little bigger.

The hard thing for me to articulate to others, or perhaps has been, is that this absolute crushing of confidence has affected all areas of my life it feels like. A few weeks ago I was at the gym, I went in feeling a little low but I wasn’t putting myself through something that I couldn’t do. I’ve been before when not feeling wonderful (I’ve done a lot of things feeling that way). It was a lovely small, skill developing class and something I was so in the mood for and usually something that may have boosted me.

For one reason or another I had a panic attack 15 minutes into the class and cried in the car for the rest of it. Tiny things built up and felt insurmountable. I spent the evening deciding that I could absolutely never go back, I was so embarrassed and upset that I am this shell of a person. I so want to be better and feeling strong and these moments of absolute dispair crashed into me with unrelenting power. I was simply overcome. It was just a day though.

I later realised that I had indeed had a panic attack, a new experience that I would like to leave as a one time thing. This was likely brought on by a combination of my physical environment, my body doing a complex movement that I had last done while pregnant and the realisation that I am not pregnant. I think my body felt a feeling and trauma that it needed to let out and my mind was not consulted on this at all. I’ve learnt about how our minds and bodies are connected in ways I simply cannot comprehend yet. I know those connections are there and in the same way my arms hurt because of an absence of a baby to hold, my body doing something it hadn’t since I was pregnant was complicated and needed to be expressed. Learning a little of the why gives those hard feelings somewhere to go in my brain and I can work with that.

I don’t want grief to rob me of anymore. The secondary losses have been so hard. Some I haven’t been able to impact, but trying again at the gym is something I can control. I may need to adjust what I do and approach it in a different way, but stopping and giving it all up will only really have impact on me. Those who saw me struggle don’t want me to stop, they know how equally empowering and humbling it is and how we all need that.

I’ve done a little reading on how I can build up my confidence and I think something that I can do that will be to celebrate the wins, big and small. Recognising the things I’ve done, attempted or even done well will help I think me to be able to see that I’m a work in progress. I’ve had a huge set back and something that needs recovery but everything is fixable.

I think I’ve struggled to recognise my own achievements because quite frankly they pale in comparison to ‘before’. I remember in the early weeks of grief I realised that when I can plan a weeks worth of food and do a shopping list in the way I like to, that would be one monumental milestone to achieve. I struggle now because these things come and go, I go a day where all I eat is the meal I prepare for my husband and others where I’m filling our freezer with meal prepped foods, eating amazingly delicious and whole foods that I’ve researched and wanted to eat.

The ups and downs of my own abilities and achievements are so hard to navigate and only really visible from a distance. How I wish I could have taken a step back that day and decided that maybe I needed to spend some time on the rowing machine focusing on moving my body in a more familiar way, cheering on the others getting their ring muscle ups. I didn’t, but next time (I really hope there isn’t another one of those) I know that now. Maybe I will recognise that that day my tank wasn’t full in the way I thought it was and adjusting is another type of strength I’m also learning.