Last November we took a rainy drive over to Liverpool and attended our first Honeysuckle support group. I never imagined myself sitting around a table in a community centre with perfect strangers introducing myself and telling our sweet girl’s story through tears, but there we were. One year on and I’m reflecting on the impact of turning up that evening and continuing to stay connected to other bereaved families.

During each session we’re encouraged to pick a photo that stands out to us. They are used as prompts to share (or not) and I took photos of the cards that we picked. They tell quite the story of the last year.

November 2023

The picture that stood out to me was of the bounty of fruits and vegetables. I felt taunted by such a visual reminder of the effort I had put into eating well, staying active and generally preparing myself for our first child. For what? I expressed how I felt I had done everything I could but we still had no idea why our daughter was so unwell and died. It felt like I hadn’t done enough, I had missed one crucial step or didn’t do something that I should have. I felt to blame and that my worth was entirely based on being a mother, which I couldn’t really be.

January 2024

The feeling of being pregnant felt so far away both with my recent pregnancy and with any in the future. I was in a state of limbo, waiting and hoping but not really feeling able to do anything about it. I felt lost that was for sure. My identity was a mother but not a mum and it is all I wanted.

June 2024

A path that I couldn’t see the end of, who knew how long that road would be to being able to mother another living child. Wanting to be pregnant again, with more answers now but still no clearer on when our dreams may be realised, all while navigating a more firm identity that I am indeed a mother to my darling girl, but also want to have more children. A complex and unchartered road, feeling lost and just wanting to know how long it would go on for, 2 months, 2 years? I felt a little clarity and answers felt only fair.

August 2024

Inspired by the recent Olympics, I shared how inspired I was by the back stories of some of the people I had seen on TV in recent weeks. We see a moment of glory or success and to that person, their team, is the cumulation of so much effort, dedication and hurdles to overcome. I saw so many parallels in being proud of just continuing on, this was my success. Keeping on going without certainty, answers or much reassurance but the hope that it would all be worth it. Seeing the effort and determination of others, in the group and in the world as I allowed myself to venture out again helped me see my situation for what it could be.

September 2024

The imagery of piles of rope tied up neatly reminded me of the current sight in our living room, six memory boxes lined up ready to be filled for our daughter’s birthday. I wanted to create a physical way of sharing our girl with our families as we had kept so much of her life close to just us. Creating special birthday memory boxes from our family, was a sign of how far we had come in feeling that we could invite people back in but also share our girl. We had established a safe way to do that by sharing with those who ‘get it’.

October 2024

Almost one year on from our first group, and the same picture stood out to me. This time for a different reason. I knew the efforts I had put in to caring for me and our baby girl were not in vain, they helped in ways we can’t know but were not wasted efforts or love. Our girl was given everything we could give and the best support available. After considerable reflection, reframing and self-compassion, I now knew that it was not my fault. As her mother I did all I could and wanted to signify that change in perspective that love, support and time can nurture. I am proud of the mother I was and am to my darling girl and know her influence will continue to teach me as I continue to mother.