One of the items I made sure to have in my hospital bag with Astrid was a lip balm. I’m not far from one at the best of times and I’d heard in my antenatal prep that the rooms are kept a touch warmer than most would like, to keep things comfortable for the babies, so lip balm was recommended.

I didn’t have a current favourite at the time so picked up a new one that I thought would do the job and in my bag it went, unaware of the significance that little lip balm might hold one day. I started to use it as expected after Astrid was born, turns out they keep NICU even warmer!

Over the days that followed I was also getting to grips with breastfeeding and the combination of that and being in such a warm NICU bubble, I was using this little lip balm like it was going out of fashion.

It’s one of the items that takes me right back to those precious bedside moments with my girl, caring for her. After we came home I continued to use that same lip balm, hoping it would never run out. It was bashed about and well used because it was always within reach. It became an invisible link to my motherhood and my girl, entirely insignificant to anyone else but everything to me.

Even when it did eventually run out, I carried in my bag, it was just a lip balm after all and just felt like there was still a link to popping back to PICU to look after my girl. Carrying it around felt like she was in reach.

I don’t remember when but it stopped living in my handbag and stayed at home, the timing felt right I guess and was natural. If I want to bring it with me somewhere again, I can, but leaving it home or even deciding it doesn’t need to be kept anymore are all okay too. It’s a link but a symbolic one and doesn’t hold any weight in my love for baby girl.

I saw the same lip balm in the shops recently and without thinking about it, popped it in my basket and brought it home. The contrast stood out to me of how fresh this little lip balm was, pristine in the same packing I remember opening to put it in my hospital bag. It felt so full of newness and potential and mine had quite literally a lifetime of experience.

I haven’t used the new one yet and maybe I won’t, but keeping a new, perfect one just felt like an important reminder of how we never know how things will go. While my lip balm was used in the warm rooms of intensive care, it was used and what a privilege that is.