Something I was so puzzled but also comforted by during Astrid’s time in hospital were the little knitted squares that the nurses placed near her (often on her head in fact). When I was able to see her for the first time, she had one right by her and I was given one too. The idea being that we would swap them over often so she had my scent and I had hers. Ryan did it too and the three of us were swapping little knitted squares like it was going out of fashion. It really helped me actually, I felt like it was important and something that only we as her parents could do.

I think I would have seen these before our own experience and wrongly thought that these were more emotional help than anything else. I learnt that these were actually an important part of Astrid’s medical care. Consultants, nurses and nutritionists were asking about our ‘bonding squares’ as they were known and how we were getting on with them, did we have enough etc. Amongst all the medical paraphernalia that was going on, these little knitted squares were also important.

Bonding squares helped me be able to express breast milk for Astrid, despite never being able to hold her. I was amazed at what my body could do, and cleaning her mouth and feeding her with this milk remain some of my proudest and favourite memories.

When we were invited to help with Astrid’s ‘cares’ by her nurses, it was often Ryan who did her mouth cleaning, using a little sponge and expressed breastmilk in a syringe, he cleaned the inside of her mouth and lips and the reward was often a cute little licking of her lips or sucking, with the cutest milky-white bubble you’ve ever seen. It was tricky to do while she had tubes in her mouth, but it was well suited to a dad who was careful but confident. I took my instruction from Ryan when I was brave enough to try, I was so worried I would cause her to be uncomfortable, and enjoyed the reward of those milky bubbles. Worth all the hours in the sad mums room!

After we came home from the hospital, the bonding squares were such a comfort to me, they stayed by my bedside for weeks and I still have one with me at times. We shared some memories with our family and friends at Astrid’s funeral and shared about these bonding squares. They were such a connection to her and our expeirjec that it felt an important thing to share. We invited anyone who wanted to, to make these bonding squares and blankets to donate to the hospitals who cared for us.

I knew it would be something I wanted to do at some point and after black October (as I have come to refer to it) was over, I started picking up knitting and watching YouTube videos to work it out. I had one brief knitting lesson during lockdown but never really picked it up. This time it was different, I felt a connection initially that made me want to do it, the first thing I wanted or felt drawn to do in weeks in those early very very hard days. It also gave me something to pick up and put down when I needed to.

Without thinking I would pick up a little square and it would keep my hands and mind doing something for a few moments. When it was done, I would put it down, it was very automatic and like my brain knew what it needed and I let it be on auto pilot.

Now, things look different. I still have knitting on the go but I do it much less frequently, it is something I pick up while we’re watching something together on the sofa or when I see some wool that I like the look of. It is more conscious and purposeful. I think those repetitive movements really did help my mind process some of the things it needed to, it gave it a little structure but space to tie some of the confusing and complicated feelings to and started to make sense of them.

It has been special to drop off blankets and bonding squares to the units that looked after Astrid, knowing that the ones we had were made by others affected or touched by families like ours. I remember remarking how important it was that those squares were made before we needed them, they were there in the moment and helped us have every moment we could. Making them now so they are there, ready in those moments in the future for other families helps feel like there are connections beyond right now and that all this comes from one lovely little baby girl.

As of 21st May 2024