While it felt so much was out of my control, I figured I could make sense of my own messes. I set out to cancel an old bank account that I set up years ago and didn’t really do anything other than clutter my notifications and shame of moving it on the never-ending-to-do-list. After some time on the phone and a few resets later I was able to close off an old demon, not really the bank account at all, but something that I didn’t like, wanted gone and hadn’t done before now. I did it. 

While my husband started his phased return, I set up on the desk next to him as we had done in the blissful months before our worlds were changed forever and I started ‘working’. I made a list of the other things that sap my energy just because they are there or need some attention. I decided I would put conscious effort into getting these things done and off my plate during my new working time. I wouldn’t be distracted during this time, it was focused work. If I really wasn’t up to it, I’d park it for the day.

I figured that it didn’t really matter what I did, but I was doing something and that was progress. A bonus that I smiled at every now and again was that these jobs would likely hang around until I did them, these weren’t the jobs that went away, so by doing them now I would be able to enjoy maternity leave the next time around properly. If you are anything like me, then you are probably reading this with a knowing smile, that the list will never be done, and yes, I knew that. But at this time getting some old frogs eaten cleared the space. I figured when I had a good long running list of very important things that demanded my attention and that I wanted to get stuck into again would be progress. I like to be busy generally, and in the past three months I hadn’t done a great deal, and if I had any chance of being the mother I felt I could be, I’d need to feel a little more together.