I recently met the wonderful Jenni from The PABL Project and have been reflecting on something we spoke about. Jenni shares her skills and experience as a Physiotherapist and Pilates teacher with pregnant and postpartum women. Uniquely, she provides a safe space for women who have experienced pregnancy and baby loss and help them recover physically but also emotionally.

I felt so lucky that exercising was something I was able to maintain throughout pregnancy, I really enjoyed adapting to how I felt and learnt so much about my body during that time. I had a good appreciation that things don’t go to plan during labour, being delivered by emergency c-section myself, and took the attitude throughout pregnancy that I would control what I could and leave it at that. It was a very freeing mindset and one that I felt good in.

I read something early on in pregnancy that the only way I could really contribute to my baby’s health was to look after my own. After all, it was my body that knew how to grow a human, I certainly didn’t have the awareness of what to do, thank goodness it isn’t something that is in our control. The way I saw it was I would give my body all that I understood it needed, food, movement, rest and a good helping of marmite bagels (my pregnancy snack of choice!) and it would do the rest.

Something that many people with babies born unwell can relate to is a very medicalised and in my case, traumatic birth. I had a very ‘forceful’ (Drs words) c-section with a large incision and a surgery that took twice as long as usual. The physical impact of my birth experience and days spent walking the long NICU corridors meant a longer journey back to physical exercise than I hoped for.

After a few months I was finally cleared of the infection I had from the operation and given the go ahead to start back getting into exercise. I knew based on my own experiences and reading that I wanted a postpartum assessment by a physio. Given the recent events I wasn’t leaving anything that I didn’t need to, to chance. I was scared of hurting myself further, I needed to build confidence in my body again and I craved reassurance. The assessment and treatments I had provided that from a physical perspective. I had to learn how to connect with my body again, all the nerves that had been sliced apart needed to fire up as best they could and the muscles needed to relearn where to be!

I was able to build back to exercise and I’m not exactly where I want to be but I am so proud of trying and keeping on going. Running and going to the gym haven’t been the mental break for me that they are for some, they are conscious efforts to rebuild and it’s not easy at times. It is a way of healing my body and exercising hope for the future.

In my experience it was clear that the physio I saw hadn’t really experienced supporting anyone in my situation before and anything I found online was hard to read. One resource in particular stands out to me about c-section recovery that said to ‘rest up with baby on the sofa’. This was written by an NHS trust and I felt so alone in my pain. It just furthered my despair that I was this horrible odd one out. This is why resources written with baby loss in mind are vital, all postpartum women deserve postpartum care.

Due to the reading I had done while pregnant, I knew how important recovery was and reflecting on the mindset I had during pregnancy, I am so happy that this is one I have been able to maintain during postpartum recovery. I can really see how this could be so easily turned to ‘my body failed’ after the loss of a baby, but discussing briefly my postpartum journey with Jenni helped me see how much my daughter was a huge part of this perspective.

Astrid was born unwell, we didn’t know this throughout pregnancy but she had a congenital condition. The result of which meant one very tiny part of her body didn’t work in the way it was intended to. It was one simple and tiny part that had a very significant impact. Throughout the time in hospital spent trying to work out what was causing her puzzling symptoms, I (and others around us including her healthcare team) remarked at how otherwise well she was. It was so humbling to see the best paediatric consultants struggle to work out what to do next or understand what inconclusive tests meant. I began to appreciate the intricacies of our bodies even more, seeing the nurses manage the fine balance of care and the impact of each test or investigation had.

I was both in awe at the strength and vulnerability our bodies have at the same time. Seeing my darling new baby who was perfect and poorly all at once, opened my eyes to the compassion that it is so important to have to ourselves. I was not in any way angry or let down by Astrid’s body, so in my postpartum healing, it was important to see myself as I saw her. Our bodies were both doing all they could with all they had at the time.

The way I see my body now is similar to when I was pregnant, if I give it what I understand it needs, it will do remarkable things that are beyond my comprehension. I simply need to look after it the best I can.

The PABL Project provide free resources designed to support postpartum healing with as few triggers as possible. This is a vital resource for anyone postpartum who has also experienced the loss of their baby.