Things that might help
My husband and I decided that we would say yes to any help that was offered and give it a try at least. Here are some of the resources we use.
Books
I realised very early on that I don’t like ‘sad’ grief books. I needed real stories with authenticity of the intricacies of living with my new friend grief.
A Heart That Works
This book brought me such comfort. It allowed me to love and celebrate the time I spent in hospital looking after my little girl.
Rob’s powerful descriptions of his family life looking after their son Henry, helped me cherish my memories of our family. I didn’t feel alone in recognising my child who the world could no longer see, and that validation was important.
It is funny and made me cry at the same time. A wonderful book that should be read by everyone, bereaved parent or not.
Ask Me His Name
Written by a bereaved mother, I felt instantly connected to Elle and Teddy’s story.
On paper, their story was the most similar to mine and that alone felt so validating. This book shares the story of a much-wanted firstborn baby boy and how a new mother carried on.
The Baby Loss Guide
This brought me comfort in the new found community that I was part of, the baby loss world. I realised that it wasn’t only me that this had happened to, that made me sad that others had lived this life too, but so comforted that other parents stories were collated.
I describe this as a support group in a book. I could pick it up when I felt that no one else understood, and put it down when I felt a little stronger. Although it was very focused on pregnancy loss, I did feel less alone, and that was important.
Charities
There are lots of charities that provide very specific support, I find myself using them for different things at different times, that’s okay, our experiences aren’t the same so support needs to fit around it.
Sands
Sands exists to reduce the number of babies dying and to support anyone affected by the death of a baby, before, during or shortly after birth, whenever this happened and for as long as they need support.
Tommy’s
Tommy’s is the largest UK pregnancy and baby loss charity, funding research into stillbirth, premature birth and miscarriage and provide trusted information, advice and support for anyone who needs it.
They work tirelessly to care for families struggling with baby loss, to raise awareness and to help break the silence.
Support Groups
I had imaged support groups as people sat around in a circle in a sad community centre and not an uplifting environment in the slightest. I’d never been to one before our daughter died and didn’t really think they were ‘my thing’.
In the spirit of yes to anything that might help us feel better we tried out a few groups. Our worlds had changed forever so my preconceptions about a support group may well not be right…
Sands
I was half right. One wintery night in November my husband and I turned up to a community centre in a neighbouring town and were greeted with a circle of chairs. Well at least it wasn’t all new. What was different though was the feelings.
We had arrived first and a few other women filtered in over the next 30 minutes or so. There wasn’t a ‘share your story’ requirement, but those who had attended before shared updates on how they were and things that happened since they had met last month. It was more of a conversation and for the first time I felt seen and understood. The comfort of nodding heads as you share your feelings was like a hug that I didn’t know I needed. So much was said and yet didn’t need to be said.
Arriving to a room of women, we asked if other men attended and were told that they usually don’t come back after the first session. My husband joined those ranks, having felt it is was somewhat a place for women to share their experiences. This one was certainly more of a mother’s meeting, perhaps not by design, just based on who attended at the time. I continue to attend and like the space to listen and share at times, and just be in the presence of women who just get it.
Honeysuckle
Upon discovering that Astrid was very unwell, we were transferred from our local hospital to the Liverpool Women’s Hospital, where they were better set up to support such unwell newborns. Due to this, when Astrid passed away, we were under the care of the Honeysuckle Bereavement team. This is a specialist team of midwives who support families at their worst moments. One of the services they provide are monthly support group for parents, we attended the first one in November and knew right away it was somewhere that we needed to be. Unlike the Sands group, this was more supportive of dads too, something that was very important to us. We liked going together and attending is a priority for us.
Although attending a hospital’s support group may not be possible for everyone, the Honeysuckle team provide online resources which may help. I so hope that other hospitals are able to provide services like the Honeysuckle team can, it is so important. If we hadn’t been transferred, I would have had a few calls from our local Bereavement midwife and that’s it. Sadly, the list of families who need support doesn’t ever go down and many places don’t provide much post-loss support.
Honeysuckle FC
At the first Honeysuckle session we attended, my husband was quickly introduced to another dad and Honeysuckle FC. Every fortnight men affected by the loss of a baby attend an hour long ‘changing room chat’, followed by an hour of football. Supported by Liverpool Football Club Foundation, the group meet regularly and play other charity teams with the names of their much loved babies on their kits.
Liverpool Women’s Honeysuckle service
Podcasts
Stompcast
Hosted by UK based Dr Alex, each podcast features a guest for a thought provoking stomp. Each episode is split into three sections and is a comforting companion on a walk out.
Specific episodes
The Thing That Nobody Wants To Talk About – Baby Loss | The Infertile Midwife, Sophie Martin
The Surprising Factors That Affect Your Fertility | The Infertile Midwife, Sophie Martin
Myths from the Labour Ward | The Infertile Midwife, Sophie Martin
The 5 Stages of Grief are a Myth | Dr Chloe Paidoussis-Mitchell
The Other Mothers
Three friends who have all experienced baby loss, talking about their lives and stories. They have guests who have also experienced losing a baby and provide insight into how other mothers survive.
