I had visions of what Saturday mornings would look like as our little family of three. We’re big into breakfast in this house and I imagined us in the kitchen together starting off the weekend with the week behind us. We might pack up the car and bundle up for a trip out. Or we’d spend it at home and potter around the house, either way we would be together.

In those early months (I am so very glad they are behind us), the mornings were the hardest. I would wake up realising that I had slept through until morning, something that I absolutely hated. For months I had mentally prepared myself for sleepless nights, the landing nightlights were still plugged in, ready, yet there wasn’t the need. I hated that feeling, realising, remembering all over again. It made starting the day feel like an impossible task because what was I starting it for?

The mornings aren’t as hard now, I can get up and have a little more desire to see the day through, but there is still an emptiness, a feeling that mornings are meant for more. I often feel that on Saturday mornings, they still hurt a little bit more than others. Perhaps because that reality that I dreamed of, is still something that I hope will happen, but still feels far out of my grasp. I’m looking through at a life I did very briefly have and could maybe have again, but for now isn’t mine. Still though, some days we load up the car for a trip out, or we enjoy a slower day at home together.

On those mornings that feel especially hard, I try to choose to enjoy my girl. She is, after all my firstborn and that won’t change. I have a special window now where she gets 100% of my parenting energy. I’m motivated to make new memories with Astrid and those are lovely moments. I make these memories in all sorts of ways, mostly unrecognisable to anyone else, but they are there, moments of my girl.

I’m learning that each of the feelings I have, serves a purpose. Of course I don’t see that all or even most of the time, but there are times where I really lean into it, embrace the feelings and just experience it. It is hard but I feel stronger for it, almost like getting a 1 rep max, when you allow yourself ever so often to push through to what you can do. It feels vulnerable and strong all at once, and you might need a good rest after.