Today I attended our annual company presentation and it was good to hear about the things that have happened over the time I have been on Maternity leave. It was hard because in some ways I wanted everyone to acknowledge why I was off but then on the other hand no one saying anything was exactly right. It is hard for other people to get it right when I don’t know what I want myself. It did feel weird though and reminded me that it is definitely better to say something rather than nothing.

One thing I’ve tried to do is keep as much as I can in my life consistent. Consistent to what it was like before Astrid was born, consistent to what we had planned with her being here and with what we hope for in the future. I was planning to return to work in the summer and that is still my plan. Attending the company meeting today was something I would have always likely done and it felt good today to do something that was in the works before. 

I found myself asking questions about new business and thinking about some of the problems that were shared, briefly allowing myself to think about what I would do. That was nice, but also hard, because like all mums, I experienced the mum guilt of not doing something directly for my daughter. I explained to my manager that all the usual challenges and reservations exist when returning from Maternity leave, with the additional challenges of also being a bereaved mother. I was glad I shared this perspective, she understood but I don’t think anyone else would have guess that would be the case. Maybe it’s better for me to state the obvious because it’s such a ‘let’s never think about that and pretend it doesn’t happen’ circumstance that all common sense goes out the window.

I’m proud of myself for going back today but sad that I’m not quite the person I was, but who knows who I would have been anyway? I’m choosing to see today as another faith activity, something I did because I’m choosing a future in which I could do with a stable, fulfilling job that helps support a life that has freedom and choice. It goes without saying it is not the life I imagined or would ever choose but it is the one I have and embracing it with hopes of a brighter future is everything and all I can do rolled into one.