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How birthing classes taught me how to grieve
If you knew me in pregnancy you knew I was here for all the knowledge, I was obsessed with learning how my body was changing and growing, what that meant for me and my baby and understanding what it was capable of. My mindset became more focused on how our body knows what to do…
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Becoming a mother
Every now and again I allow myself to daydream about what I would be like as a mother. I try not to imagine too many day to day specifics because living through what I desperately want is very painful. Instead, I think about if I would be relaxed or worried about feeding? Would my reading…
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The missing pair of trainers
Father’s Day last year we were well and truly excited for Astrid’s arrival, I was on the home stretch, feeling good and there were lots of smiles all around. There was a big trainer love in our house at the time and I thought for our first Father’s Day a mini me trainer set would…
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Postpartum healing without a baby
I recently met the wonderful Jenni from The PABL Project and have been reflecting on something we spoke about. Jenni shares her skills and experience as a Physiotherapist and Pilates teacher with pregnant and postpartum women. Uniquely, she provides a safe space for women who have experienced pregnancy and baby loss and help them recover…
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Knitting
Something I was so puzzled but also comforted by during Astrid’s time in hospital were the little knitted squares that the nurses placed near her (often on her head in fact). When I was able to see her for the first time, she had one right by her and I was given one too. The…
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Saturday mornings are (still) hard
I had visions of what Saturday mornings would look like as our little family of three. We’re big into breakfast in this house and I imagined us in the kitchen together starting off the weekend with the week behind us. We might pack up the car and bundle up for a trip out. Or we’d…
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4Louis and Honeysuckle FC
I’m by no means anti-football, but growing up it just wasn’t part of my life really and, like many things, that persisted through to adulthood. Up until a few months ago I’d never attended a football match, but I’ve now been to three, all linked in some way to baby loss. My husband attends a…
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Our breastfeeding journey
‘Are you breastfeeding?’ I was asked when paying for breakfast at Alder Hey. ‘Well, expressing’ I answered. to which she said ‘Same thing’ and processed my PICU voucher. I felt very confused in this new identity as a mother, I had just started my breastfeeding journey with a NICU nurse showing me how to clean…
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A variant of unknown significance
Despite being told that genetic testing would hopefully provide us more answers as to why Astrid was so unwell, to me these tests were the end of a long road. There were so many tests done before we got to the genetics stage that I figured this would give us the answers we were looking…
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Visiting the office again
Today I attended our annual company presentation and it was good to hear about the things that have happened over the time I have been on Maternity leave. It was hard because in some ways I wanted everyone to acknowledge why I was off but then on the other hand no one saying anything was…